Mourner Observances

Whether you are sitting shiva or visiting a shiva home, you will encounter various types of observances. Some are traditional while others are liberally interpreted. Below you will see the definitions of some of the traditional fulfillments. 

Staying Home

Mourners do not work during the shiva period and for the most part stay at home. During the shiva period mourners do not participate in parties, concerts, shows, movies etc.

Mourners are to focus on their loss in order to be able to gradually heal. By leaving the Shiva house, mourners surround themselves with distractions and lose focus.

Sitting on a Low Chair

Mourners may also be sitting on low stools or boxes as a means of expressing grief.

Covered Mirrors

You may also see that mirrors are covered. Although there are many explanations for this practice, the most accepted one is that a mourner should not be concerned with their personal appearance at this time. In addition, while in mourning, some people will not wear make-up, men won’t shave, wear new clothes and some will not wear shoes for the same reason.

Burning a Candle

A tall candle burns in the shiva home for seven days as a sign of memorial.

Mourner Attire

A mourner will usually be wearing a torn black ribbon on their clothing. This ribbon known as a keriah (kriah) ribbon, keriah meaning torn, symbolizes the tear in the mourner’s heart for his or her loss. In traditional communities a person’s actual clothing may be torn near their hearts.

The tradition calls for the mourner to wear a torn garment during the shiva [first seven days of intensive mourning]. On Shabbat, Holy Days, and festivals, no public signs of mourning are worn.

Prayer Service

In the Jewish religion there are certain prayers recited to honor of the passing of loved ones, celebrate their life, and help with coping during the mourning process.

Cleansing

Upon returning to the cemetery there may be a pitcher of water outside the front door  to wash one’s hands. This custom has many sources but the most common reason is to symbolically wash off any impurities associated with the cemetery and death.

Suggested Books: 

A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort by Ron Wolfson 

Jewish Insights on Death and Mourning Edited by Jack Riemer & Sherwin B. Nuland 

The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning by Maurice Lamm

The Orphaned Adult: Confronting the Death of a Parent by Rabbi Marc Angel

When A Jew Dies: The Ethnography of a Bereaved Son by Samuel C Heilman

Why Me? Why Anyone? by Jaffe, Hirshel, Rudin, James, Rudin, Marcia

Why Me? Coping with Grief, Loss, and Change by Kraus, Pesach and Goldfischer, Morrie

When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner

To Begin Again: The Journey Towards Comfort, Strength, and Faith in Difficult Times by Naomi Levy 

Excerpted with permission from MyJewishLearning.com. Get more information about Jewish life and living here.